Friday, 14 July 2017

Dream 851 (MULTIPLE TERRIFYING LUCID FALSE AWAKENINGS)

'Jumpscares and The Rake!'
Date: 11 July 2017
Time: 22:30 - 06:00 (I woke up from this dream due to an alarm)
Type of dream: Fully-Lucid False Awakenings
Dream recall: Strong recall 

Some background information - as I was laying in bed, I was watching some 'Deep Web exploration' videos on my laptop, which was - as usual - positioned on my desk chair next to my bed. Laying in bed watching my laptop screen on the chair means that I am viewing the laptop from side on. As I was laying in bed, falling asleep, I was aware that I was most likely going to experience Sleep Paralysis - and False Awakenings (click on that link for a post explaining these sleep phenomenons). I have experienced enough false awakenings to know the signs, and generally speaking, I welcome them, because they represent a chance of a full lucid dream by using the OBE-Exit technique. I find that the signs are: (a) a feeling of intense physical exhaustion; and (b) a feeling of my body floating/vibrating as I fall asleep. I therefore decided to shut off the 'deep web' videos I was watching before I fell asleep, as the content was fairly 'scary' (i.e. not the kind of content I wish to transfer into my dreams). During the experiences I describe below, I was fully lucid throughout - i.e. I was aware that I was in a dream-state. I am not sure if this made the experience more frightening than if I had 'believed' my dream state to be reality. That sounds counter-intuitive, but from my perspective, being lucid and not able to control my dream means that I feel 'stuck' and helpless/vulnerable.

False Awakening #1
I woke up in my bedroom, in the dark. I knew this was a false awakening almost immediately, although I did not have the sensation of sleep paralysis. I was facing the wall in my room (my bed is lengthways against the wall) and could feel the presence of something behind me. I was far too afraid to turn around. I could hear an electronic buzzing in the room, which seemed to be coming from the ceiling above me. I was not sure if the buzzing was caused by the presence in my room, or simply just the false awakening experience in itself. I could not wake up, although I was able to move freely. In frustration, I ended up turning round. My laptop was wonky - the laptop was turned at a 90 degree angle, so it looked like an open book. On the screen was a documentary about the Hampstead Satanic Abuse case, which is a case which I had been researching that day - because I had stumbled across the 'conspiracy theories' and videos made of the children's' allegations in one of the 'scariest videos on Youtube' list videos, leading me to find a High Court judgment (which coincidentally happened to be useful for my PhD thesis, which is on the privacy and welfare of children). I knew from my research while awake that there was no documentary that I had been able to find (I am keen to only examine legitimate sources of information about this case, given the conspiracy theory-driven entries online perpetuate the intrusion into these vulnerable children's' privacy and overlook the fact that these allegations came about because they were tortured into making them by their mother's boyfriend). The fact I could 'see' a documentary on this case, playing on my sideways laptop bemused me, and temporarily distracted me from the (still unseen) presence in my room. I cannot say what was happening in the documentary, as what I was watching and listening to seemed scrambled and at a low volume. It was just a collection of images I associated with the videos I had seen posted online with verbal material which confirmed what I was seeing - mainly the two siblings involved talking to an adult, while being filmed on a mobile phone. I must have fallen back asleep properly while looking at my laptop screen.

False Awakening #2
I woke up again, in another false awakening, which frustrated me further. This time I turned to my laptop immediately (I woke up facing the wall again, although this is the side I face while sleeping as I naturally feel most comfortable laying on my left side). The screen showed a 'jumpscare' video which I recognised from having been tricked into watching it, many years ago. I hate jumpscare videos and try to avoid them. This particular video shows a car driving down a pretty country road - then features a classic jumpscare. I have posted the actual Youtube video below if you want to watch it. I was really annoyed that this jumpscare video was on my laptop in a false awakening scenario, as I felt like my subconcious was trolling me by presenting me with something which would actually cause me anxiety in waking life, and something I had taken care to minimise by shutting down the scary Youtube videos I had actually been watching when I was aware I might have a false awakening. 

I turned away from the laptop before the jump scare actually happened. I then realised that I could hear piano music playing - it may have been from my laptop, as this was the direction it was coming from, but in my lucid state I decided not to turn around the check, because I thought it might lead to me seeing the jumpscare video. I fell asleep again.

False Awakening #3
I woke up again and felt trapped and helpless by the multiple false awakenings I was experiencing, although relieved that I was not experiencing sleep paralysis as well. The window (my flat is on the ground floor) is behind my head when I am laying in bed, less than a metre away. If I stretch my hands above my head while laying down, I can touch the wall behind me. I was aware (without turning to look) that something - I am not sure what - was entering my bedroom through the window. I knew that my window was closed. The thing seemed to be taking a long time to get into my room through the window, as I laid in my bed, terrified, unable to wake myself up, hearing it climbing in. I felt something lift the duvet (on the side I was facing away from) and touch me with something which felt like thin, cold metal. I screamed out: 'Wake up! Wake up!' hoping that this would help me to wake up, but I could not. I started screaming: 'Someone help me!' aware that my flatmate, SC would not be able to actually hear me (his bedroom is next to mine, on the other side of the wall) as this was a dream and I was not making any noise in real life. I must have fallen asleep again.

False Awakening #4
This was the worst of all the false awakenings. By the time this one happened, I felt mentally exhausted and so frightened that I can safely say - from experience - that I was on the verge of a panic attack, although I have never actually experienced a panic attack within a dream state to my knowledge. I just felt unable to breath properly and like I needed to 'give up' and 'let the dream win' (i.e. continue it's course without me fighting back). However, this was made impossible by the fact that I then felt the presence in my room again - it may be the same one from the earlier false awakenings, or it may have been a completely separate one - I have no idea as I did not look at the earlier ones through fear. This time the presence was making a strange whirring noise - like machinery and I could 'feel' that it was going to attack me unless I pre-emptively fought back. 

I sat up in bed. Again, I could see that my laptop was on it's side, wonky. I kept looking at it, thinking 'it only looks like this because I am used to seeing it in side view while I lay in bed watching it', but this level of lucidity and understanding did nothing to correct my perception - it remained wonky. I moved to the edge of my bed, wanting to stand up. I found that the duvet instantly became wrapped around my head, preventing me from moving freely. I realised, lucidly, that this was as a result of the false awakening phenomenon, and that if I applied my mind to the situation, I could free myself. I urged myself to be able to push the duvet down from around my head. This took a lot of strength and willpower. I still could not stand up - something (a degree of sleep paralysis?) was stopping my dream body from doing as I willed it. I looked at my curtains and this is when I first saw the presence. It was human-sized and sitting on top of my curtain rail, despite the fact I knew that there was no space (there is about 10 cm between the rail and the ceiling) available in reality. The presence - or better, entity - resembled 'the Rake' (see image below) which is a humanoid creature appearing in Creepypastas and a number of 'found footage' videos and urban myths. I had watched a video allegedly showing 'the Rake' earlier that day, so I recognised it, but I still felt scared. It's eyes were a glowing silver/white colour as in the image below, but the rest of it appeared to be quite fuzzy. 

I decided that I should try and materialise a weapon to defend myself/attack the Rake. I put my hand under my pillow and imagined finding the ultimate weapon (this is often a more successful way of materialising objects in my lucid dreams rather than trying to visual something specific, which often leads to awful failures!). Under my pillow was a huge butcher's knife and I was pretty satisfied with this, although I had hoped for a gun, or some other weapon which had some range. I said to the Rake: 'Don't come near me!' and pointed the knife in it's direction. The Rake jumped down from the curtain rail, although it maintained it's crouched form - it did not move much at all. At all times it was blurry and not especially 3-dimensional - my perception seemed to constantly shift as I looked at things in my room. This seemed normal, given it was a false awakening and I was aware I was in a dream-state. The Rake was incredibly slow at approaching me, but I knew it was just waiting to attack. It continued to make the whirring, mechanical noise. I started jabbing the knife towards it, so that if it leapt for me, it would be stabbed. I could not reach it from my position halfway down the bed (it was at the pillow end of the bed, in the space between the wall/window and the top of my bed). It was taking so long to move towards me and the threat remained. Anticipating it coming for me was the worst thing about the situation, and I kept waving the knife in it's direction. 

I then decided to see if I could change the dream scene, by closing my eyes and visualising myself out of my room. I did this. I opened my eyes. I was still in the same situation.  I started shouting: 'Wake up!' over and over again, but nothing happened. I was still sitting on my bed, with a wonky laptop on the chair nearby; the Rake at the top of my bed and a knife in my hand. I tried shaking my hands rapidly (this is a stabilisation technique in lucid dreaming, but I was desperate to change the situation, so was willing to try any technique). Nothing happened. I could not move from off my bed to walk out of the room and hopefully into a new dream scene, so I was essentially stuck as a sitting target for the Rake, with only a knife for defence, which so far had done nothing to help me. I then became worried that I might be anchoring myself into this dream by shaking my hands (given this is a stabilisation technique which helps you stay lucid), so my only option was to being a dream character into my dream in the hope they could 'save me'. I started screaming: 'Someone help me, someone help me!' I didn't care who came into my dream to help me at this point. I then heard a voice - very distant. I could see no-one. The voice seemed like it was coming from outside of my house, from far away. I kept screaming: 'Come and help me!' as loud as I could. The voice then became familiar - it was R3A. He was saying: 'I can't get into the house'. When I realised it was R3A, I began to specifically call his name, thinking that if (in the dream) he was close enough to hear/speak to me that I might be able to bring him into the room. I was screaming his name as loud as I could. He just kept saying: 'I can't get in' and sounded like he was laughing or not taking me seriously. At this point, I was stricken with terror and despair. I must have fallen asleep around this point.

Scene 1: A Beautiful House - Day
I entered a normal, non-lucid dream. I cannot recall much about this dream, only that I was in a beautiful house, which had a lovely garden. The sun was shining. I was sitting at a table, in a room which had big windows, through which I could see the garden and a semi-circular paved patio. PS, my ex-boyfriend and N the Dog were present. There were some books or papers on the table. PS was telling me that we would never ever get back together, that he did not love me at all and that he was far happier since we separated and he had moved on. I felt devastated and hurt by what he was saying, but realised that at least we were having an honest conversation and he was not lying to me about how he felt. 

I cannot recall anything else about this dream.

Extra Information: 
None of note

Recurrent Dream Themes: 

  • PS as a dream character

Dreamsigns: 

  • EVERYTHING was a dreamsign!

Day Residue: 
  • The incidents in the false awakenings were clearly influenced almost entirely by videos I had been watching online just before I went to sleep, and also by the fact I was conscious I might have a false awakening, so may have 'planted the seed' for what happened
  • In relation to Scene 1 - a mutual friend of PS and I (one of PS's friends from his area in London, who happened to move to my local area, although I have not met him in person since PS and I separated) had messaged me on Facebook. He sometimes does this when he is bored. Despite the fact he is someone I regarded as a friend, I do not welcome him messaging me, as not only has he got a girlfriend to my knowledge, but he sends weird pictures and tries to encourage me to send pictures of myself back - while acting paranoid, asking if I will snitch on him (to people I no longer even speak to!) for messaging me. Not only do I not need him messaging me, but his levels of paranoia that he might get caught doing something he was not invited to do is very annoying to me. Not only do I not care if he messages me and am not interested in photo-sharing with him, but him questioning if I will tell anyone about his behaviour is aggravating, as he is choosing to do something he obviously feels guilty about, without reason. On this last occasion when he messaged me, just before this dream experience, he kept asking if I would snitch on him. When I made it clear that I had no interest or reason to tell anyone he messaged me, and no longer was in contact with any of his friends anyway, he said: 'You told PS I messaged you before' to which I agreed that I had - because PS was my ex-boyfriend and therefore deserved my honesty. If anyone - especially a casual friend who I have not seen or had a meaningful conversation with in over 5 years - thinks they deserve my loyalty more than an ex/current partner, then they are very much mistaken. Clearly this incident led to some Day Residue with regard to PS

Waking Reactions: 
I think I have made it clear how terrifying, frustrating and negative this experience was for me. I wish I could have transformed it into a much more enjoyable lucid dream, but it was just not possible. As I have stated, this entire experience felt like my subconscious mind was trolling me. As for the 'normal' non-lucid element of this dream experience - usually a dream scene of this nature would be upsetting for me, as it relates to a real life experience which I have mixed, unresolved emotions over. However, as it happened after the multiple false awakenings, by contrast it did not seem to be as bad as it might otherwise have been - and in fact was a welcome change from being stuck in a false awakening with a nightmarish entity which was threatening my safety and sanity.


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