Sunday, 5 April 2015

Dream 401

'I'm Beverly Marsh'
Dream date: 5 March 2015
In this complex dream, my dream-self (my 'dream ego') was experienced from a first-person perspective, but I was not myself. I was a white female, with shoulder-length blonde hairI also had a younger sister. However, in some of the dream I also had some of my real-life self incorporated. I don't know how I was aware I was a blonde female, as I did not ever see my reflection in a mirror or self in the third-person perspective.

I began the dream in an outside environment at dusk with some other dream characters, all of whom I seemed to be partially acquainted with in the dream. The only person I was sure I knew was a male called MB, who I went to school with, but who - like me, it appeared - was his teenage self. I became aware that we were the 'Losers Club' in the novel/movie of Stephen King's IT, and had replaced the initial characters, although we shared their names (and traits, to some extent). MB - who had ginger hair - was 'Richie Tozier' and I (as the only female) was 'Beverly Marsh'. I was not sure if I selected to be Beverly or whether I had been made to compete to be her in some way, because it felt like there had been some kind of disagreement (previous to this dream scene) and I had been victorious. However, I did not feel comfortable, given that being Beverly Marsh meant that I would have to confront 'It' ('Pennywise the Dancing Clown' in whatever guise he was to be presented to us). This was not a movie, it was real-life in the dream - it was really happening to us. 

We entered a nearby (wooden) warehouse building, which was quite dark inside, although I could see clearly. This is where the showdown with 'It' would take place. I did wonder to myself how this was supposed to happen in the warehouse, as in Stephen King's novel, the confrontation with 'It' occurs in two specific locations: the house at 29 Neibolt Street and within the drains, both in Derry, Maine, USA. Something - or someone (maybe one of the other 'Loser's Club' characters - said to me: 'But we are in Derry and this is a drain!' although I knew this was not accurate and that we were in fact, in the UK. I didn't argue back, because the situation felt urgent.

Inside the warehouse (which was incredibly large) was metal scaffolding with many metal platforms at varying heights. There were train-tracks suspended in the air, with what looked like dodgems or roller-coaster cars poised at the top. These dodgems were for two people, and white, with a red stripe on the sides. They felt sinister and part of 'It's plot against us. I was not sure that I was ready for whatever would happen, or skilled enough to perform as Beverly Marsh was expected to do (in the dream, I was aware that I had read the novel/watched the movie of IT, although I cannot say for sure if I was aware that it had been a work of fiction). 

We were now standing on some of the metal platforms. but we all needed to stand on a single one, together. I saw the male dream character who was supposed to be the overweight 'Ben Hanscom' trying to struggle onto a higher platform than the one he was standing on. His trousers partially fell down, exposing his fat and bare butt crack because he was climbing so awkwardly. As I am afraid of heights and having to step/climb over gaps which I could fall down, I was dreading having to do my own journey from the lower platform (approximately 10 feet from the ground) onto the higher one (approximately 12 feet from the ground) on which the other 'Losers' were assembling. I also wondered if MB ('Richie Tozier') would be able to climb over, but he did, also awkwardly. When it came to me turn (I was the last person), I kept trying to jump the metre gap between the two platforms, but stopped right on the edge, afraid, The other Losers were encouraging me to just leap over, but something (fear) was stopping me. Eventually. because time was running short, some of the 6 males, grabbed my arms and helped me across. At this point I became aware I was wearing blue jeans with a white belt and a white vest top. 

Once we were all on the same platform, we were ready to confront 'It'. One of the boys said: 'Tidal Wave' and I was anticipating the whole warehouse flooding with water, which terrified me. I wondered how this would be possible, given there appeared to be no source of water either inside, or near the warehouse. I wondered if Pennywise could 'become' water and felt overawed and terrified of the prospect of coming face-to-face with the clown, and also being submerged by water. I saw an image of a tidal wave in my mind's eye - as if showing me what was about to happen in my immediate environment. Before the tidal wave happened, the dodgems started moving by themselves (the cars were empty), rolling down the tracks at a great speed towards us, causing everything to shake and vibrate. I was even more terrified and kept waiting for the water to come, Just like in the novel/movie, I - as 'Beverly Marsh' - was expected to hit our enemy with a silver slug, using a bullseye. I had the bullseye poised and ready, but it seemed like it was impossible to actually hit any of the dodgems and besides, I was not sure which one to target. 

The scene changed and I was in my nan's house in Sheringham. I was still the blonde girl who had been 'Beverly Marsh' in the earlier scene, and was aware that the events in that scene had actually taken place in my recent past, but for some reason had resulted in the confrontation being postponed or delayed in some way - I knew I had to go back and finish the job at a later stage, and I felt disappointed with our failure, or perhaps, afraid that Pennywise had not shown up and could appear at any time to seek revenge. There was a horrible feeling of anticipation left with me, as well as a deep feeling of futility and pointlessness. In this scene, my (dead) grandfather was alive, seated in the place he always sat in when he was alive and still married to my nan (who divorced him during my childhood, when my mum and I still lived with them, because of his behaviour). He looked the same way that I recall he did when I was a small child, tall and thin, with thick black hair and a moustache (when I was too young to realise that he was not a good husband to my nan). My cousin HM (a younger version of herself) was also there, as was a 'sister' (I am an only child in real-life) who looked just like me - with shoulder-length blonde hair. HM, my sister and I all wanted to go out - and we had permission from my mum and my nan, but my granddad was saying that we could not. He was shouting and in a bad temper with us, telling us that we had to stay in because he was in control. I was sitting on the floor behind the sofa on which he was sat. I became aware that HM and my sister had left the house anyway - they had sneaked out while I was distracted by my granddad's ranting. I asked my mum if I could also leave, and she said 'yes' but my granddad was in the room where I would have to exit to leave the house. 

I pretended I wanted to go upstairs to my bedroom, and left the house. I joined HM and my sister - as well as some male dream characters - in an outside environment, where it was dusk and the light was falling. I think we may have been near some amusement arcades (there are two in Sheringham, but it did not seem that we were in Sheringham, or any town/high street, as everything seemed desolate and empty). I felt empty inside and there was again, the same sense of futility and some kind of loss.

I then found myself back in my nan's house, along with HM and my sister, who had started to resemble my ex-boyfriend's younger sister, JGH. I was shown a photograph of JGH - and it was definitely her, not my 'sister', which clarified to me that they were in fact two separate people, but still linked in some way - with N the Dog, playfully pinching the side of his face (the fur of his cheek). My mum was standing over me, also admiring the picture. My sister said: 'If you paint over the picture with the special black paint, you can make a negative'. I asked if this meant that I could make multiple copies of the same picture (in negative form) by just using the special paint once, but my sister said: 'No, the picture degrades after doing it once'. I wondered why you would use special paint and take the time and effort to paint over a photograph to make a reproduction in negative, when you could simply use a photo-editing programme on a computer to do this, as many times as you liked, in a simple way. I thought that if I could create these 'negative photographs' I might be able to exhibit them as art, but it seemed like a lot of hassle if I could only make one at once. I then noticed that the photograph of JGH and N the Dog was on sepia paper and already in black ink, which was slightly smudged. I wondered why the photograph looked like this now - because I was sure it had been a normal colour image before. My sister said: 'That's the degraded version'. The paper felt rough, like cheap recycled paper. My mum said that she was cooking eggs for us. I do not like eggs in real-life and I also did not like them in the dream. I wondered why my mum was cooking something she knew I would not like to eat. My granddad was still sitting in his previous position in front of the TV, but he was ignoring us. I am not sure where my nan was, but I could feel her presence in the house. I still felt empty and - it is difficult to explain what I mean - but, as if the entire situation I was in was temporary and unstable in some way. I kept expecting something bad or traumatic to happen, or some big change to take place. This was a very unsettling feeling which permeated most of this dream.

I went upstairs to my (real-life) bedroom, which looked quite similar to how it would look in real-life, except where there are usually bags and boxes of my clothes and books, there was a separate single bed (which used to be there in my childhood when my mum and I shared this room, from my birth until I was around 10 years old, when it became my own room and I lived between this house and that of my mum and my stepdad). On this single bed were many objects and items. In particular, there was a beige coloured plastic egg. This could be opened and inside was a plastic model version of the image of GJH pinching N the Dog's cheek. It was some kind of toy, but an impossible object, as the inside figures were much larger than the outside plastic egg shell which enclosed them (which was the size of a normal egg). I was sitting on the floor between the beds, opening and closing the toy egg. My mum shouted: 'How do you want your fourth egg cooked?' and I said: 'I don't want 4 eggs!' but she wasn't listening to me. She came upstairs, to the door of my bedroom and said: 'How do you want your fourth egg cooked?' I again told her I did not want any eggs at all, but she just went downstairs to continue cooking. I was still feeling empty and unsettled. 

TIME: 05:00 - 13:00 hours (I woke up from this dream, which was very long. I therefore assume it took place between 12:00 - 13:00 hours)
SPECIAL NOTES: None of note

  • My appearance was radically different (F - Form)
  • I was my teenage self, not an adult (IA - Inner Awareness)
  • Losers Club in Stephen King's IT - this whole notion was a dreamsign in itself - the context could only occur in a dream. I was also able to use my mental faculties and real-life memory to question the possibility of meeting 'It' in a warehouse and the assertion that the warehouse was actually a drain in Derry, Maine, USA, when I knew I was in fact in the UK (IA - Inner Awareness/C - Context)
  • Appearance of the warehouse - this would have been an impossible structure to be inside a building and the movement of the dodgems would be an impossible action (F - Form/A - Action)
  • Tidal wave - there was no water in the warehouse and I questioned this (IA - Inner Awareness/F - Form)
  • My dead grandfather was alive (IA - Inner Awareness/C- Context)
  • I had a sister (IA - Inner Awareness/C- Context)
  • My 'sister' changed appearance in the dream and became a split between the dream character she was and JGH, making me confused as to how was who and which identity belonged to which person (F - Form' C-Context)
  • The photograph changed appearance and degraded whole it was still in my hands, which I noticed in the dream (F- Form/A- Action)
  • Eggs - my mum would never cook eggs for me (C - Context)
  • My bedroom was slightly different from real-life (F - Form)
  • Plastic egg toy - this would be an impossible object because the inside figures were larger than the enclosing egg shell (F- Form)

Recurrent Dream Themes/Symbols:
  • Stephen King's IT 
  • Granddad alive and exhibiting negative personality traits/actions
  • Living in my nan's house with my cousin, HM
  • Dogs

Potential Day/Dream Residue:
  • I am planning a novel which has a blonde female lead character, who has strange dreams, in the course of which she meets 'Pennywise' from Stephen King's IT, although she is aware he should be a fictional character, as she has read the novel previously.
  • The day of this dream, I walked through Chapelfield Gardens, in the city, where there was an Easter Fair set up, and I discussed dodgems and the general safety of such fairground rides with DL. We both said that dodgems would be better if they were more violent when they smash into each other, but children riding on them make this impractical.
  • Just before I went to sleep and had this dream, I saw an article about my favourite artist, Andy Warhol, who was famous for using photographs and screen-printing techniques which enabled him to make countless reproductions of the same image. Part of the aesthetic of his art which reproduced photographic images in this way, was the fact that after a while the images would become distorted, because the ink would saturate or smudge.
  • The day before I had this dream, I watched a Youtube video by Tanya Burr, which explained how she edited her Instagram images.
  • I had been thinking a lot about dogs just before this dream, as on the Friday, my cousin HM had to have her dog put to sleep after a long series of illnesses. Her dog was -  and N the Dog is -  a Staffordshire Bull Terrier breed.
  • As it is Easter, I had seen lots of pictures of Easter Eggs on the internet shortly before I had this dream. In particular, I saw a picture of some normal eggs, which had been hard-boiled and then decorated with paint.

Waking Thoughts & Emotions:
This entire dream was infused with feelings of anxiety, instability, futility, pointlessness, anticipation, loss, emptiness, separation, temporality, unease, tension etc. I awoke from this dream feeling the sense of emptiness I had experienced within the dream, although not in an especially negative way. It was as if the dream had been communicating a message to me, which I could not quite decipher when I awoke from it, but the emotional impact of the dream was still with me. This dream felt very significant, and although a lot of the emotions involved were negative, it was still quite an enjoyable dream to have, because there was a sense of importance and epic quality to it. The lingering sense of temporality and emptiness, left me feeling confused and I could not switch my mind off from the memory of this dream when I got out of bed and started doing everyday tasks.

* I recalled the majority of this dream in a very vivid way - more vividly than many of my dreams, as I could remember specific details, emotions and thoughts on a deep level, as if I had experienced them when awake. However, I have the impression that I have forgotten some details of a dream scene which took place between me arriving at my nan's house in Sheringham where I saw the photograph, and the scene where my mum asked me how I wanted my fourth egg cooked. Thinking about these scenes gives me the sensation of a 'brain itch' - similar to the phenomenon when you have a forgotten or misplaced word on the tip of your tongue. If I remember any further aspects of the dream, I will record them below.

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