Thursday, 21 April 2016

Sex Dreams - Q & A with Tallulah La Ghash

Out of all of the topics related to dreaming that I research and write on, dream sex (lucid or non-lucid) seems to be the theme which interests the majority of my readers/viewers, judging by engagement with content, search queries I can see in my Blog analytics, or questions asked by my audience. Therefore, I thought I would address the topic from a personal perspective, in the form of a Q & A session. 

What was the first sex dream you ever experienced?
I actually have no idea - I haven't got a written record of it, nor can I remember that far back. I couldn't even give you an estimate of what stage in my life it would have occurred. I do remember having 'wet dreams' when I was a teenager, and really enjoying the experience, although not knowing how to recreate the feeling of clitoral engorgement in real-life (i.e. I did not know how to masturbate, so my sex dreams were my only experience of arousal at that time). I can't remember who was involved in these dreams, although one does spring to mind - 'Shane Parrish' (played by Dieter Brummer), the 'bad boy' character in Home & Away. The sex happened in a convertible car! I was around 13 - 14 years old. I didn't particularly fancy him in real-life, but I remember the dream being pretty exciting.

What was the last sex dream you experienced?
I've had 2 sex dreams in recent times - Dream 608 - 'Weird Sex Dream' where a male dream character told me I had to have sex with SW, a male friend who I went to school with, and am still in casual contact with. The dream involved sexual intercourse, but didn't feel 'sexual'. I then had Dream 610 - 'Weird Weed in Bad Hotel', which was more enjoyable, because it was an actual wet dream where I had an orgasm. Both of these dreams involved me having sex in front of other dream characters in the room. In the earlier dream (Dream 608) I was told I had to have sex with SW, wherea in Dream 610, the sex happened spontaneously.

How often do you experience sex dreams?
Not as regularly as I would like - perhaps once every few months, sometimes more. Usually when I am experiencing a 'dry spell' in real-life.

What was your favourite sex dream?
I can't find the precise dream to link, but it was a dream which involved a male friend - it was just straight sex, nothing unusual. I would also say that masturbating in a lucid dream gave me a very strong and pleasurable sexual response, quite different to anything else I have experienced in the dream state. I didn't even need to touch myself with my hands - I started to meditate and the result of meditating in a lucid dream (via WILD) was experienced as a powerful full body orgasm, during which I was bathed in glowing golden light. I have also masturbated in another lucid dream - I just decided to sit down and touch myself.

What was your least favourite sex dream?
I can't actually think of my least sex dream - I don;t tend to have 'bad' sex dreams, just ones which aren't sexually satisfying or involve people I would not actually have sex with in real-life. In terms of dreams which involve sex, I would say the worst are those which involve family members (I had one in which I was Beyonce and my stepdad was trying to seduce 'me' - as Beyonce); and others where my grandfather (who is dead in real-life) had been sexually inappropriate towards me and my cousin HM. 

Which celebrities have you had dream sex with?
I have had sex with Johnny Depp in a lucid dream (WILD/false awakening) and I was about to have sex with Kurt Cobain in another lucid dream, but was disturbed before it could happen, which was massively disappointing. There have been other celebrities, of course, but these are the ones which stand out in my memory. I would also add that I have a number of dreams where Eminem (Marshall Mathers III) is my husband or partner and as a result I have started to fancy him in real-life, which I didn't before. I haven't experienced sex with him in a dream (that I can recall - although I may have and just forgotten), but I am looking forward to that dream taking place and it may need to be a dream incubation experiment, given my subconscious mind already seems to be pretty fixed on him!

Who is your fantasy sex dream partner?
Well, I still need to have dream sex with Kurt Cobain, since that one ended prematurely! And I am keen to have dream sex with my 'recurrent dream husband' Eminem - because I enjoy being married to him in my dreams. In fact, I would say Eminem is the one celebrity I need to incubate a sex dream about, since I have had so many positive 'romantic' experiences with him in the dream state, and this led me to actually finding him pretty sexy and attractive in real-life - something I had not considered before having recurrent dreams of relationships/marriage, as mentioned above - but which is demonstrative of the power of the subconscious mind on conscious thoughts and emotions. I have included the gif below because this is precisely how I wish to see him in the dream - the way he looked/dressed in 8 Mile (2002).

There are other celebrities I find attractive, for example, Ewan McGregor, which would be a pleasant experience, but I am not that bothered by who I have dream sex with. There is no-one in my real-life who I want to have dream sex with currently - if I want sex with a real-life person I know, the chances are, I would actually approach them for the real thing, not the dream version!

What is the weirdest way in which dream sex has affected your waking life?
I do think that it is possible to start having sexual feelings for someone after dreaming of having sex with them. Maybe those feelings were repressed until experienced in the dream state, which gave the sexual feelings a form of expression which allowed them to be acknowledged. In one instance, quite some time ago, I was not sexually active, and I had a sex dream - out of the blue - about a male friend who I had not ever been sexually or romantically involved with in real-life. I hadn't even been in contact with him for a while prior to the dream. The sex in the dream was pretty regular - normal penetration - but I woke up from the dream and started to want to have sex with my friend in real-life, so I told him about the dream. This encouraged him - without me having to express my wish to have sex with him - to ask me if I wanted to 'hook up', an offer which I gratefully accepted and I ended up eventually having a casual friends-with-benefits arrangement with him, because it was a very satisfying experience - even better than the sex dream which inspired it! I have absolutely no regrets about this!

Do you typically tell friends if you have sex with them in a dream?
If it is a friend who I would normally talk to on a semi-regular basis, I would probably tell them. If it was a close friend, I would definitely tell them. If it someone I know casually, it would depend on what kind of person they are and how they might react. I have had strange reactions to me telling friends I have had dream sex with them - mainly positive. My close friends know I record (anonymously) all my dreams online anyway, and a number of them will be able to recognise their own initials as identifying them, so it doesn't seem to make sense to keep it a secret, given I am an open person with little verbal filter anyway! Most of the responses have been positive - my male friends tend to be really flattered that I have had dream sex with them and occasionally, it leads them to express real-life sexual feelings towards me, such as: 'That makes me wish I could do it for real' or suchlike. However, when I told one of my colleagues about me having sex with him in a dream, I could see he felt uncomfortable and I regretted telling him so blatantly as I had embarrassed him. 

What is the experience of sex like in a dream for you?
I would say on average, 50% of my sex dreams involve an actual orgasm - so are 'wet dreams' - and 50% of don't feel much like sex at all, or are simply unfulfilling. Most of my sex dreams are just regular penetration, no kinky business - which reflects my waking life preferences, as I have no kinks or fetishes. There is never much affection, such as kissing - again, reflecting the fact I am not really a touchy-feely person in my waking-life, and like sex to be raw and animalistic, rather than loving and tender, even with a boyfriend. Often, the sex will take place in a public place, with people watching - sometimes family members of colleagues. This does not bother me in the dream - in fact I quite like it in the dream, which may reflect my exhitbitionist trait and my love of shocking and scandalizing people. It may also reflect the fact I am sexually open and expressive. Often I don't experience undressing in sex dreams - one moment I am fully clothed and the next moment, I am having sex and unaware if I removed any clothing. This is despite having non-sexual 'naked dreams' where I feel liberated by the act of being naked in public. I also experience a lot of sex dreams where the imminent sexual act is disrupted by someone at the precise moment my partner is getting his penis out ready for sex.

Does (lucid) dream sex feel like real sex?
For me, never. Even when it is a wet dream resulting in an orgasm. In normal non-lucid dreams, often the sexual act feels more like 'wrestling' - bodies becoming entangled together, with no particular feeling of penetration. The feeling of the orgasm feels like a normal waking one however, and before the climax, the sensation in my clitoris is almost unbearably intense - like extreme arousal. When I wake up from a 'wet dream' there is no lubrication however. In a lucid dream, the sex feels more like masturbation - I can feel the engorgement in my clitoris and the same strong feelings of arousal I would during foreplay, but I can't detect the feeling of a penis entering my vagina or the body of my sexual partner rubbing against mine. So my body can replicate the feelings of sexual arousal and stimulation, but not actual penetration. 

When are you most likely to experience a sex dream?
I most experience sex dreams when I am not sexually active in my waking life, or have not masturbated for a while. I very rarely have dream sex when I am in a real-life relationship, and I cannot remember ever having a sex dream which involves a real-life boyfriend at the time, although I have had sex dreams involving causal partners and exes. I often have sex dreams around the time of my period as well.

Do you experience same-sex (lesbian) sex dreams?
Yes, I have often experienced lesbian sex dreams, and also dreams which involve other women and men in an orgy situation. I don't get any physical pleasure from the same-sex sex dreams, and often in these dreams I wish I was having sex with a man. This reflects my heterosexual orientation; although I am perfectly comfortable with the notion of having a same-sex relationship and have experimented with women sexually in real-life (but did not feel turned on at all, so engaged in a 'performative' manner for the pleasure of a male spectator) I am only attracted to men and don't really even like women on a friendship basis (as I relate more to boys). The same-sex dreams are not negative experiences, but they aren't sexualy fulfilling either. My same-sex sex dreams often happen on the floor!

Do you have any recurrent sex dream themes?
As mentioned above. often the sex happens in public, with people watching which I enjoy in the dream. I also have had a recurrent sex dream for many years, in which I am kneeling on some stairs, or scrubbing a floor clean, and an unseen male approaches me from behind and starts to have sex with me, doggy-style. I never find out the identity of the male and I find these dreams quite exciting! I have also had several dreams where there is a dead bird either on - or coming out of (i.e. being born from) my vagina. I have yet to discover what this dream symbol means. It isn't exactly sexual, but it relates to my genitals and is certainly a weird theme!

What are the most common sexual positions/acts you experience in a sex dream?
The most common sexual positions are from behind (doggy-style), missionary or me on top which the male sits in a chair. I would say these are my favourite waking-life sexual positions as well, so my dreams largely reflect my real-life preferences. Other than regular, plain penetrative sex, the most recurrent sexual act I experience in a sex dream is oral sex - performed on the male by me. I cannot remember a single dream in which a male dream character has performed oral sex on me though.

What are genitals like in sex dreams?
I have never managed to see my own genitals in a sex dream, so I suppose my own are 'normal' in the dream state. However, penises are often so disproportionately large that it is inhumanely possible - such as metre-long penises which are as thick as an average thigh. Also, I tend to have weird sex dream experiences regarding ejaculation, which often involve too much fluid, or fluid of a weird consistency and colour. Kurt Cobain had a very nice, normal looking penis in the lucid dream where I almost had sex with him.

Do you ever feel guilty about anything which happens in a sex dream after you have woken up?
Definitely not - if I happen to have a sex dream when I am in a relationship (with someone not my partner), then I don't consider it cheating, even if I caused it to happen intentionally in a lucid dream. I see literally no difference between me expressing myself this way and my partner using pornography and fantasizing about having sex with a pornstar (or anyone else) - as long as he doesn't inform me he does it when he has sex with me (which nobody wants to hear, unless it's something the couple actively encourage), then it's harmless. I don't believe anyone should be held guilty for a thought crime and I don't believe anyone should be accused of infidelity for a 'thought f*ck' either. It's harmless compared to a real-life infidelity. In regard to having unpleasant sex dreams - those which have involved family members are disturbing upon waking, but I soon get over it and rationalise it is a dream and has some form of (perhaps unclear) symbolic meaning, or has been influenced by day residue in some way. If I am raped or sexualy assaulted in a dream, I don't tend to carry negative feelings over into my waking life, even though I have been exposed to a real-life sex crime and some people may be 'triggered' by dreaming of such traumatic events. I don't let my dreams affect my waking emotions too much, because as an oneironaut, even a 'bad' dream is better than no dream. 

If you enjoyed this post, please check out the following posts on this topic:

* All images posed by Tallulah La Ghash, other than gif featuring Eminem

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