Friday, 16 May 2014

Dream 241

'A Bad Diagnosis'
Dream date: 14th May 2014
This was one of my most disturbing dreams, but it did not feel like a 'typical nightmare'. I am choosing not to illustrate this dream because it felt so horrible.

I was at my nan's house, but in a dark bedroom which was unfamiliar. It was a large room, with a bed in the right side and not much else visible. The room was partly illuminated by a strange blue light, so I could just make out the shape of someone/thing laying in the bed, with the covers over them/it. I am not sure if this thing was human or not. It was making low moaning noises - like 'sex noises' but more animalistic. I was aware that I had been raped by this thing. I desperately wanted to leave the room, but I was transfixed on the spot. I felt anxious. I left the room and stood at the top of the stairs, looking down to the coat hooks which are downstairs, in the hall (next to the front door and opposite the staircase). The space which exists between the top stair and the wall with the coat hooks had become a flat space - i.e. I was at ground level, even though in real-life to be able to stand this distance away from the coats I would have to be on the stairs. It was as if the first floor landing and the downstairs hallway was all one level. I shouted through to my nan (who was in her bedroom) telling her that I had been raped. She shouted back that I had to deal with it myself. I found myself back in the room, knowing that I was about to be raped by the unidentified thing in the bed again. I felt enslaved, violated and ashamed.

The scene changed and it was daytime. I was in my own bedroom, with someone else, who was unidentified in the dream, but familiar. I could not see them as they were standing slightly behind me. There was a huge industrial stainless steel sink in the room - like those in professional kitchens. It was divided into two sections - one for dirty washing up and the other for cleaned items to be rinsed. The side for the pre-washed items was stacked with dirty plates and kitchen items - all in shades of pink. As I looked closer, I realised that these items were (at the same time) both plates and actual items of clothing I own in real-life. I picked up a pink polka dot vest top. I then saw my pink corduroy mini-skirt, which had a blue stain on the front. I held it against the wall for support, and started to scrub at it with a cloth. The blue stain was powdery and melted away. There was some conversation which I cannot recall.

I then found myself in a doctor's office with members of my family. The room was brightly lit and we were sitting on one side of a large desk, with the doctor on the other side. The doctor (who was male and middle-aged, but I have no recollection of what he actually looked like) told me that he had diagnosed throat/chest cancer in me. I felt panicked, shocked, scared, angry - normal reactions, although I have never been in this situation in real-life. I asked him if it was caused by me smoking and he said: 'maybe...' He told me I would die very soon because the cancer was advanced - it was the size of a Mars Bar. I told him I felt fine and my health had not changed at all, but I was informed by the doctor that my mind had 'been tricked' by the cancer. I said I wanted to go home and think about it and would be shaving my head in preparation for chemotherapy (as I kept imagining losing my hair through the treatment and it was making me feel more anxious). The doctor told me that my chemotherapy was booked for a few minutes time and I was going to have to accept the treatment. I said I wasn't ready - and asked if I could come back tomorrow for treatment, but the doctor said I had to have the chemotherapy today or I would get no further treatment. I left the hospital/clinic in a panicked state.

I was then at my nan's house, in the kitchen with my cousin HM. Everyone knew about the cancer, but they were acting as if it was fine. I opened the overhead cupboard and found some pills (they are not actually stored here in real-life). There were many packets of Neurofen painkillers. I started opening them and swallowing the pills, in an attempt to commit suicide. My cousin was trying to stop me, by pulling on my arms and shouting to other members of my family to come and help her restrain me. Nobody was listening. I woke up while in the process of trying to kill myself.

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