Showing posts with label stream of consciousness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stream of consciousness. Show all posts

Saturday, 22 June 2019

tallulah talks 10 | confessionals

I've started a new series of videos on my Youtube channel - tallulah talks 10. The premise of this series is that I film for exactly 10 minutes, and talk stream of consciousness-style about whatever is on my mind at that specific moment, revealing my current state of mind and contemporary thoughts, feelings, emotions and moods. The video is ended at the 10 minute mark, regardless of whether I am in mid-stream or have finished all I have to say. The concept is a sort of 'talking therapy' as well as a chance to share insights into my personal and private life. I film these videos on my mobile phone, meaning I can record in a plethora of outdoor environments. 

Here are the first 3 videos in the tallulah talks 10 series!


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Sunday, 21 June 2015

Stream of Consciousness (1) - TAT Cards

As a writer and dream analyst I was keen to undertake some stream of consciousness/free association work. This is a technique used by Sigmund Freud as part of the psychoanalytical method of dream interpretation. The concept is that the individual should facilitate a spontaneous, continuous and unadulterated stream of thoughts, ideas, emotional responses, memories and associations to flow. There should be no attempt to control or 'censor' the flow of material.

These stream of consciousness exercises were originally posted as a stand-alone page on this Blog. However, after careful consideration I decided to update the format which involved removing some content which was not in keeping with the theme of this Blog. I have decided to re-post the stream of consciousness content on the main Blog home page as it is relevant to my study of dreams and dreaming and is a particularly valuable exercise to learn when interpreting dreams.

In addition, some of my favourite artists use this technique in their writing - from the obvious examples of James Joyce and Virginia Woolfe, to hip hop MC, Ghostface Killah, whose style is said to be characterised by a stream of consciousness flow.

I was also interested in Thematic Apperception Testing, which is a psychological method of picture interpretation which is said to demonstrate the subject's inner thoughts, emotions and social relationships. This form of test was shown in my favourite film, A Clockwork Orange (1971) as a way of measuring the psychological profile of anti-hero Alex whilst he is sentenced to imprisonment for murder.  

TAT is a form of ‘projective’ psychological testing - was developed by the American psychologist Henry A. Murray and Christiana D. Morgan at the Harvard Clinic at Harvard University during the 1930s. A widely held belief is that the idea for the TAT emerged from a question asked by one of Murray's undergraduate students, Cecilia Roberts.  She reported that when her son was ill, he spent the day making up stories about images in magazines and she asked Murray if pictures could be employed in a clinical setting to explore the underlying dynamics of personality. Murray wanted to use a measure that would reveal information about the whole person but found the contemporary tests of his time lacking in this regard. Therefore, he created the TAT. The rationale behind the technique is that people tend to interpret ambiguous situations in accordance with their own past experiences and current motivations, which may be conscious or unconscious. Murray reasoned that by asking people to tell a story about a picture, their defences to the examiner would be lowered as they would not realize the sensitive personal information they were divulging by creating the story.

Murray and Morgan spent the 1930s selecting pictures from illustrative magazines and developing the test. After 3 versions of the test (Series A, Series B, and Series C), Morgan and Murray decided on the final set of pictures, Series D, which remains in use today. After World War II, the TAT was adopted more broadly by psychoanalysts and clinicians to evaluate emotionally disturbed patients. 

The TAT is popularly known as the picture interpretation technique because it uses a series of provocative yet ambiguous pictures about which the subject is asked to tell a story. The subject is asked to tell as dramatic a story as they can for each picture presented, including the following:

  • what has led up to the event shown
  • what is happening at the moment
  • what the characters are feeling and thinking
  • what the outcome of the story was

If these elements are omitted, particularly for children or individuals of low cognitive abilities, the evaluator may ask the subject about them directly. Otherwise, the examiner is to avoid interjecting and should not answer questions about the content of the pictures. 

The examiner records stories verbatim for later interpretation. The complete version of the test contains 31 picture cards. Some of the cards show male figures, some female, some both male and female figures, some of ambiguous gender, some adults, some children, and some show no human figures at all. One card is completely blank and is used to elicit both a scene and a story about the given scene from the storyteller. 

Although the cards were originally designed to be matched to the subject in terms of age and gender, any card may be used with any subject. Although Murray recommended using 20 cards, most practitioners choose a set of between 8 and 12 selected cards, either using cards that they feel are generally useful, or that they believe will encourage the subject's expression of emotional conflicts relevant to their specific history and situation. However, the examiner should aim to select a variety of cards in order to get a more global perspective of the storyteller and to avoid confirmation bias (i.e. finding only what you are looking for).

When he created the TAT, Murray also developed a scoring system based on his need-press theory of personality. However, implementing this scoring system is time-consuming and was not widely used. Rather, examiners have traditionally relied on their clinical intuition to come to conclusions about storytellers.

Although not widely used in the clinical setting, several formal scoring systems have been developed for analyzing TAT stories systematically and consistently. Two common methods that are currently used in research are the:

  • Defence Mechanisms Manual (DMM). This assesses three defence mechanisms: denial (least mature), projection (intermediate), and identification (most mature). A person's thoughts/feelings are projected in stories involved.
  • Social Cognition and Object Relations (SCOR) scale. This assesses four different dimensions of object relations: Complexity of Representations of People, Affect-Tone of Relationship Paradigms, Capacity for Emotional Investment in Relationships and Moral Standards, and Understanding of Social Causality.

Examiners are encouraged to explore information obtained from the TAT stories as hypotheses for testing rather than concrete facts.

Like other projective techniques, the TAT has been criticized on the basis of poor psychometric properties. Criticisms include that the TAT is unscientific because it cannot be proved to be valid (that it actually measures what it claims to measure), or reliable (that it gives consistent results over time). As stories about the cards are a reflection of both the conscious and unconscious motives of the storyteller, it is difficult to disprove the conclusions of the examiner and to find appropriate behavioural measures that would represent the personality traits under examination. In addition, as the present needs of the storyteller change over time, it is not expected that later stories will produce the same results.

The lack of standardization of the cards given and scoring systems applied is problematic because it makes comparing research on the TAT very difficult. With a dearth of sound evidence and normative samples, it is tough to determine how much useful information can be gathered in this manner.

Some critics of the TAT cards have observed that the characters and environments are dated, even ‘old-fashioned,’ creating a ‘cultural or psycho-social distance’ between the patients and the stimuli that makes identifying with them less likely. Also, in researching the responses of subjects given photographs versus the TAT, researchers found that the TAT cards evoked more ‘deviant’ stories (i.e., more negative) than photographs, leading researchers to conclude that the difference was due to the differences in the characteristics of the images used as stimuli. In a 2005 dissertation, Matthew Narron, Psy.D. attempted to address these issues by reproducing a Leopold Bellak 10 card set photographically and performing an outcome study. 

The results concluded that the old TAT elicited answers that included many more specific time references than the new TAT. Despite criticisms, the TAT remains widely used as a tool for research into areas of psychology such as dreams, fantasies, mate selection and what motivates people to choose their occupation. 

Sometimes it is used in a psychiatric or psychological context to assess personality disorders, thought disorders, in forensic examinations to evaluate crime suspects, or to screen candidates for high-stress occupations. It is also commonly used in routine psychological evaluations, typically without a formal scoring system, as a way to explore emotional conflicts and object relations. TAT is widely used in France and Argentina using a psychodynamic approach. Due to the test's popularity and importance within psychology, the TAT has appeared in a wide variety of media. 

The Thomas Harris novel Red Dragon includes a scene where the imprisoned psychiatrist and serial killer Dr. Hannibal Lecter mocks a previous attempt to administer the test to him while Michael Crichton included the TAT in the battery of tests given to the disturbed patient and main character Harry Benson in his novel, The Terminal Man. The test is also given to the main characters in two widely-differing tales about the human mind: the aforementioned cult classic, A Clockwork Orange and Daniel Keyes's Flowers for Algernon. Italian poet Edoardo Sanguineti wrote a collection of poetry called T.A.T (1966–1968) that refers to the Test.

Therefore, I decided to find as many of the TAT images online and conduct the test myself as a stream of conscious exercise in line with guidance found on various websites and Blogs, which recommends looking at the given image and then writing (in line with the information given above on the suggested technique) in stream of consciousness mode for approximately 10 minutes, recording whatever comes to mind. I took this to mean continuous writing, although other Blog authors who have conducted the same experiment themselves seem to write very little, sometimes one or two poetic sentences. I tried to keep the idea of a ‘story’ in mind, as this is what Murray intended, and therefore my language is simply the words as they emerged in my mind – If something is written erroneously or grammatically incorrect, so be it – that is the nature of stream of consciousness writing – it is unedited in the flow of associations, thoughts and ideas on the page and not intended to be polished and ‘literary’ per se. I may be telling you this to simply excuse some terrible writing :) 

I will also add that I do not know which set of pictures I am using, as Google is not necessarily accurate in labelling and I wanted to get started with the exercise rather than spending large amounts of time searching through articles on the internet (I do enough of that for my studies/work!) to find exactly which cards were selected by which researched. Instead I will simply use whichever images seem to be popular on credible sites/Blogs when searching for TAT. I will post the image and the stream of consciousness text as soon as I complete each, but unfortunately I am not best placed to analyse my results – that is for my readers to do!!! Any feedback would be gratefully received. 

TAT IMAGE 1


The two women are in the lab, both middle-aged and living in a working-class area of England - it is not the present, but rather several decades back. Both women are married and live ordinary lives, but they are employed by a laboratory in a factory to conduct experiments into food product flavouring. The woman in the background is the supervisor of the woman in the foreground, undertaking the experiment. Their names are Maude and Judy, respectively. Maude doesn't really care for Judy, as you can see from the expression on her face. She feels that she is not serious in her work and is fickle. Judy is slightly younger than Maude and has been married for less time. She feels that her youth has slipped away from her and that she has nothing exciting or vibrant in her life. She regrets settling for married life when she could have had a career in science. On this particular day, Maude is anxious as there is a deadline to achieve - the women must complete their tests by the afternoon, but Judy is in a strange mood and can't concentrate, her mind seems to be wandering. Instead of taking her break for a cup of tea, Maude is forced to stand over Judy to ensure that Judy is getting her work done, and is constantly snapping at her and reprimanding her for her sloppy work. At one point Judy looks like she will burst into tears. She cannot tell Maude that she is worried because she found a syringe in her only son's bedroom, in a paper bag under his bed. She doesn't know how to ask him whether he is using heroin. There is a lack of communication between the women and as a result, the work assignment is not completed by the deadline and Maude is given a written warning from their employer. This makes her relationship with Judy even worse, as in her 15 years of working for the factory she has never once been disciplined for her conduct or supervision of other staff. She only tells Judy about the written warning when Judy is in the canteen, moaning about her husband Franky, who has a gambling problem and never helps around the house. Judy only married Franky because she accidently fell pregnant with her son, Roy. Maude has never understood how Judy is able to express her dissatisfaction with her marriage with such ease in front of work colleagues, some of whom are virtual strangers. Yes, she has had her fair share of problems in her own marriage - her husband Dirk is no angel, he isn't opposed to walloping her over the head with the television remote control or pushing his half full glass from the end table in frustration at her if she dare to say something 'silly'. That's just the way men are, she thinks. They hate a woman with a good career.

TAT IMAGE 2


Colin gave the regular impression of possessing more fingers than possible for the normal human hand. His mother, Norma Jeane, named after Marilyn, but born before her, by only a year, indicating that her birth certificate might have been altered some time after her previous registration by another name, wore bat sleeves to cover her bat hands, hands bad from years on the broom. Looking out at the green green avenue at low morning, the sky is a light Tuesday grey-blue, with a light cloud and maybe some rain. Long playing-fields, grass commons, sycamore trees and low walls of stone. It’s the outskirts of London, the 1970s or 1908s, both will live into the 1990s for sure, but not Colin if he goes worse wrong than now. She looks older than she really is - or maybe she doesn’t and it’s a trick of the light. Colin was a graduate from some seaside university or college or the other, a Mrs Robinson lover type, so slick and smooth as he stood there, Teddy Boy swag, passive-aggressive self scowling internally from his stomach to his cheek, as his mother curtain-twitched the neighbourhood day in day out, anxious about the jibber-jabber of the gossip-mongerers in town who might whisper dirty words about her precious son, just back from the cold grim grime of the prison yard, and standing in her 1920-style (art deco? Maybe it was, maybe it was some other historical movement or era she was recreating in the house near the corner shop and the railway line, quaint when it’s sunny out) living-room, staring black hell into the carpet, but silent forever silent. Mrs Hubbard, that was her last name and how people would talk to her, was not a popular woman, people said she was a lunatic, but she wasn’t really, she was just ‘simple’ or whatever euphemism you can use for retarded nowadays, that was what she was, not a bad, nasty woman, just had some trouble comprehending what the modern world was about. Colin didn’t live in the modern world either – the two of them would spend their days, with her looking outward at a landscape unknown to her little eye on the inside, all worry and strife about what might be said, what might be heard, and Colin on the inside too, but looking inside more, as if he was looking into his mother’s womb or her cerebral cortex or her lungs. He wasn’t interested in what went on outside the window, he was stewing a hate and repressing an eruption, so nearly an erection, one hair breadth away, besides he was on probation and couldn’t go through all that again, cell share, stench of overflow, semen in the showers, the innuendos and jibes and the revenge-eyed screws, no way, Jose, coin a phrase, write a jingle and sell it for a million quid to a record label. Ex-con. He would continue to stare in as his mother stared out and hung her head in shame, many fingered man.

TAT IMAGE 3


He was the kind of man who didn’t connect well to the living, was William Honest, a man who couldn’t live up to the name with which he was burdened. He wanted to drive a Jaguar, but he had a Fiat. He lived on a street where punks crackpiped it until dawn, with no let up. That’s why he chose to visit whore, or lady friends as he referred to them, when taking tea in the conservatory and miming over paragraphs in books he dare not lose himself because he wasn’t that type of man. He held his head in shame, oh squalid bedsit in shady part of town, why come to hell everyday just to get let out and walk back in. She looks dead, but that’s just valium, she always takes it right before and after to wash clean the membrane before dreamless sleep. He wishes he could sleep, insomniac and scared of doctors, he will go back to his two up two down and eat biscuits to make his face smile again with the evening news, oh no it’s war again, another cup of tea, almost a coup and no casualty. There are pine trees in the garden and he will never know, but that whore’s favourite song was Venus as a Boy, by Bjork, she loved that song and so did Kate Moss, I read it in an article once, Just 17. She tried to make the bedsit better with pictures on the wall and books on a bedside cabinet she never bought herself, but William knew she wasn’t an intellect, like him, as in he wasn’t either, both just average people. He would come (cum) on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Saturdays and she would let him sit in the window seat and drink milk (milky) and watch sports on the small telly. Talking about what it was like in maths class once and the beach would crash in and crash out behind the window. She liked to play dead on weekdays and he was grateful not to have to small-talk her fears away once ejaculate and withdraw and outwards into rain without pay sometimes, pay double the next, he was on Job Seekers Allowance, small time theft on side, handle stolen goods, make small wage, that’s why it’s funny his name is Honest, I told you. He met her on a Bank Holiday Monday – what does that matter when both jobless and on the drink mid-morning – he was not a drunk, he was out in the City, I mean London City, financial capital, some days, all sober mind, shiny-shoe look-for-work, but now it was filth in crap-floor, carpet-grot council flat-upon-sea-cliff. Half-way home – has she got pre cons, marks on the arm – traintracks! No, trackmarks! Anything that shouts ‘disease’? Of the mind is alright, we can all handle a bit of madness if there’s some fun attached somewhere along the line. It’s a Shotter’s Nation, THAT was the album he was listening to in the disco, or parts of it, could have been a fancy house party. Yeah he doesn’t mind a tiny bit of madness if he can stick it in.

TAT IMAGE 4 


There was something off-putting about the room, the way the shadow jumped out in front of Rancid’s head, and the slimy things which slivered, slithered out from under the bed. Rancid thought there was something of the Grecian Goddess about her, she dressed that way and liked to bring on her own tragedy. Bertram thought he was an army soldier, but it was mainly just delusion, his brain had seizures since the brawl in the pub toilets. Bertram and Rancid are married, or at least they are pretending to be, now that they live in a different town. Rancid is distraught because Bertram doesn’t love her anymore. He complains about everything and likes to leave the house and eat fish without her. She never gets to leave the house anymore, unless she is taking the baby to the playground outside the flat. She cries because Bertram likes to drink and be nihilistic in all ways, but none. He watches films that she does not like and he hates the tiles she has laid down for the kitchen floor. She is crying because he is a nasty person and he likes to drink so much that he passes out and then the bad things happen in the room. The light outside the window isn’t right and the door handle elongates beyond natural proportions in Rancid’s hand. She wonders is she is a person created by Stephen King, or real flesh and blood, because sometimes in this house it is hard to tell. She is wearing the Grecian Goddess dress today, because today is the day for making or baking bread and Bertram is drunk out of head on Scotch and he is lying in his military gear, and the house is just crumbling paint and debris around the ruins. They will play Scrabble later and she has to let him win and then they might do some crafts together on the big long table or he will go out at dusk by himself to play on the arcade machines in the town centre – the town could be Cromer, that’s how it looks now, or bigger, Great Yarmouth. It is cold and grey out and it is windy. Bertram will get a chill if he doesn’t wear a jacket. It’s earlier than he thought, the shops are still open and he can go out and buy things. Rancid is still at home, she is standing by the sculpture, screaming, because they were both alone together the whole time.

TAT IMAGE 5


If you look, the latter back man, the one to the right, slightly left, he has one arm missing, it was sawn off at the elbow, he was one of these people who have a fetish about amputation, he asked for it to be done, the circus freak, the other man, little bit more to the front, is his uncle, he shares the name Nathan Barley with a telly character, but he is not the same person, instead he is a butcher. He is cutting a man up, or at least that’s what he wants amputee Richendo to think, instead he is just sticking pins like Hellraiser in him, saying it’s a treatment for whatever ailment Darian has, but it is not clear, as he did not ask for this treatment, it has been forced on him as a demonstration of some sort. Notice the window to the left back of the room, behind Machos’ head? It is very crooked, like something went wrong in there, that laboratory or wherever this crude doctory is actualising itself, it maybe some lock-up in East London. Machos is an orphan and he stumbled into this place, he used to sell matchsticks on the corner, and how his skeletal is bent out of all normalness. He looks all misplaced. His face is rather anxious about something, but he doesn’t see what is behind him. He sees that the bad man – that is Nathan Barley, has brought a gun, and leant it against the wall. Machos hates guns, he once shot some flowers in a flower patch and felt guilty about his impact on the natural world. He does not know who possesses the gun and that gives him a sense of dread. His face is twitching. He hears reggae music in the back and the screams of Darian, silenced by palm on mouth. He is dressed as a posh schoolboy, but he does not attend school and he is learning nothing from being in the presence of Nathan Barley, in fact he would be more of less inclined to commit suicide if Nathan Barley tried to take him under his wing, he has bad intentions of more or less everyone with whom he crosses paths, not that he walks on the right side of the road. He likes to minimalise or trivialise his risk upon society, but in truth he is very psychopathic, his nephew fears him greatly and can see that if Machos does not leave soon, he might well be butchered up and put away to decompose.

TAT IMAGE 6


Rebecca is a simple girl who works in the fields for a living, but she wants to improve herself. She joins a library and enrols at the community college to undertake a course in literary appreciation, but she is falling behind with the coursework as her family constantly burden her with plough work in the hot son. Rebecca is in love with her cousin Jove, who also works the fields. Jove is a pseudo intellect who preaches of his struggles in the Russian mafia, all lies, but his family allow him to live through his delusions without offering resistance or disbelief. Jove will break Rebecca - he is conducting an elicit affair with another woman in the village, a Mrs Roper, who works behind the counter in the post office. Rebecca has no indication and daydreams of running away with Jove to a land far away from their Mid Western homeland where they can start a family without the intrusion of their relatives who would surely disapprove of their alliance. Rebecca plays the flute and the accordian well - she was raised in a musical family, one where every child is expected to entertain the elders at every social gathering. The family also keep geese. Rebecca's mother, Old Aids, makes a beautiful cauliflower soup with the produce from the garden. There is no telivision or internet and no-one knows or cares for the latest fashions. Rebecca wants to visit New York and Miami. Her dreams will be made on the East Coast and there her plough experience will be obsolete and her knowledge of ee cummings praised over peanut butter sandwiches and pizza slices, with Jove by her side.

TAT IMAGE 7


Jacent was a nasty boy - he dressed as Christ in robes of ochre and deemed himself completely superior to all and sundry, including his adoptive family. The adoptive family had bought him at a child auction, back in the days of the Cold War and he had never matured beyond the age of 9 years - he was stuck, stuck, stuck in a rut and declined to climb out of his own accord. He had been made by his adoptive mother, Molly Lips, to visit various child psychiatrists in Germany (where they are allegedly more educated, according to Mrs Lips) and none of them could diagnose his disorder or even hazard a guess at what was troubling the boy. He would fly into rages and try and strangle anyone who dared to cross his path or ask him what the matter was. He would break anything in the room within his moderate reach, throwing it against the porcelain walls of the house Mr Lips had sculpted out of glass for his family - he was a glassblower by trade, but had changed career and was now an unsuccessful architect, living off benefits in the council house they had been allocated at the end of the row, when their fragile porcelain house smashed to unhelpful smithereens one Sunday morning when Jacent was riling against his late breakfast. If one of the neighbours dared to complain of Jacent's unruly antics - such as his tipping water on electrical circuits or scratching swastikas into the paintwork of cars parked on the street, he would pummel their children, urinate on their property, set fire to pets - anything to relieve the burning rage which permeated his sorry being. Mrs Lips was advised by the last psychiatrist she consulted - a Mr Hans Lieber - that she should purchase for Jacent, a toy; a life-size doll, named Veronique, which he could use as a punching bag to work out his misogynistic fury. Jacent dressed Veronique as his double and beat her savagely day and night.  

TAT IMAGE 8


Montegra was a very pernicious girl - she tried her best to capture the heart of the desirable local stud, Elmo, who was in a long-term unrequited mutual fixation with another girl - Sabbatical. At college, where they were learning the theory of the liberal arts, Montegra would lunge for Elmo, trying to kiss his dry red lips, which she thought looked like wilting red roses in the garden. Elmo would extend cruel words to burn Montegra's soul, but she would not be dissauded from her quest to marry Elmo, whose family - in the artichoke trade - was said to be one of the wealthiest in East London. The situation came to a head on 'India Day' when the students were asked to dress in national costume and perform dances for local residents. Backstage, the tension between Montegra, Elmo and Sabbatical was building. Montegra was pretending that she was totally unaware of the other two persons' feelings towards her. Sabbatical was anxious, because she was bitterly jealous of Montegra's gold sari and glass bangles. Elmo had not bothered to come in costume - he was not one for authority or abiding by rules, it was in his blood to rebel. He was desperate to consumate his lengthy admiration of Sabbatical, today - he was also not one to be patient and wait for miracles. But the presence of Montegra and her unwaning passions and desires was proving to be an obstacle to the satiation of his sexual lust for Sabbatical. When Montegra tried to grope him behind the curtain, he tried to pull away, but she caught his wrist in a death-grip, telling him she loved him and she was a better match for him than the shy and introverted Sabbatical. Sabbatical was watching from some distance away and could not hear what was being said. She thought she might stop breathing or brain hemorrhage if this didn't stop.  

Saturday, 21 March 2015

Dream 388

'Something on the Coastline'
Dream date: 19 March 2015
My memories of this dream are too hazy to write a proper dream report. Therefore I have produced a stream of consciousness picture to illustrate the visual imagery I can remember from the dream and also have done some automatic/free association writing on my vague memories of this dream.


AP - blonde hair - some kind of duty - leaving - vacation or holiday- someone is having a baby - growth - abundance - sunshine - daylight - beach - pale blue-grey meets white - sand at my feet - on the horizon it's all foggy - there is something fat and brown - fur - bear - round - moving - being pulled by ropes - tug-of-war - tent - lots of people - gathered around the big, fat brown thing on the horizon - dragging it to shore - making it safe - removing it from the sea - mist - dreary - drizzle - the sun has gone in now - it's nearly Christmas - Holt, Norfolk - family - visits.

Day/Dream Residue:
Not known

Waking Thoughts/Emotions:
Confusion as to what the dream was about, but generally positive mood upon waking.

Thursday, 15 January 2015

Dream 352

'Confusing Interactions'
Dream date: 13 January 2015
I was in a small shack which I think was in Sheringham, by the sea. It was very rustic and dark and consisted of one room with a bed in it. This dream is recalled in a very piecemeal and hazy way because I didn't write it down as soon as I awoke, but I can remember that there was lots of travelling about - going to get alcoholic drinks. Everything felt temporary and unfixed - as if I was waiting for a change to take place. It was unsettling.

At some point I was aware that I was with several dream characters, one of whom was PS. PS told me that he could not communicate with me because of his new girlfriend (this mirrors our recent real-life interaction), but we still went ahead and spoke with one another (as in real-life). PS said that I could come with him to a place where he was planning to drink some of the alcohol which had been procured earlier in the dream, but I refused on the basis that I would be the 'third wheel' - only him, his new girlfriend and I would be there, which would be awkward. PS told me that I should bring someone with me. I then noticed that HL was in the shack with us, and I asked him if he wanted to join us. I was sitting on the bed at this time and became aware that HL's brother, PL was laying in the bed, with the duvet pulled up to his chin. PL said: 'You should go with her, she is like an animal in bed, 'E' told me so...' I looked at PL and mouthed to him to shut up, even though he had already said the entire sentence. PL apologised to me. 

There was more interaction in the shack between PS, HL and myself, but I cannot recall it. 

I then was outside in my nan's porch. On the door of the outside toilet or the shed (they are next to each other) was a mirror. I looked at my reflection. I looked like myself facially, but my hair was shoulder-length and had bleached blonde streaks in it. I wondered what had possessed me to get my long hair cut.

I was then walking through an institutional building, following a female dream character, whose face I did not see. She had waist-length black hair, similar to my own in real-life and was wearing a white top and blue jeans. I felt jealous of her hair and kept wondering why I had cut my own short. I then pulled at the ends of my hair and found it had grown considerably - it was now halfway between my shoulders and waist and I felt pleased that it was growing so quickly. I was sure I could get it to it's original length in no time at all. 

There was some more action outside my nan's shed/outside toilet.

I do not remember the next location I found myself in. I was then with a male dream character - I am not sure who this was. He was wearing some very strange white shoes - they were patent leather and pointy. I did not like these shoes one bit and felt that - although the male was attractive - I would be embarrassed to be seen with him wearing these shoes. I was given some items by another character - I think it was cakes. I walked outside and saw a small gazebo, made from white fretwork. SW2 (a boy I went to school with and with whom I have had a recent conversation) was standing in the centre of the gazebo with an older woman arranged his clothing. She was getting ready to show him off to other people somehow.

I cannot remember anything else about this dream.

Dream 351

'Weird Presents & Parties'
Dream date: 11 January 2015
I was in my nan's house in Sheringham when I became aware that one of the undergraduate students for whom I am responsible in my job had left some mail for me. One of my colleagues, EF informed me about this. I travelled to EF's residences, where the mail had been supposedly left, and I could see that on a table were many greetings cards. I looked inside them and they were all addressed to my other colleagues - although my name was mentioned in some of them. The students who had written the greetings cards were thanking us for our hard work. I asked someone (unseen) where the mail intended for me was. I was given a package, which was indeed addressed to me, but had a house no. 28 on it instead of my own house number. I found myself back at my nan's house, where I was sitting on the floor, opening the package. Inside were two bars of chocolate, some other (unrecalled) items and a book. The book (I saw the title, but cannot recall what it was) had a black cover which folded out, double the normal size. The book was a new popular best-seller about two young boys who escape from a well. They were depicted on the cover picture. I did not want to read this book.

I was then in a different location - exiting a shopping mall. As I was about to walk through the doors to leave, I saw some acquaintances entering - BB and KB - a grandmother and granddaughter who live in Sheringham and know my family. I head someone say: 'Hello [my actual name]' and I thought it was one of them, but when I turned around to look, I saw it was LB, who is BB's daughter and KB's aunt. She was standing outside a shop. She said: 'I have your lip-gloss which I need to return to you'. However, the lip-gloss was in the boot of her car, so she told me she would give it to me in a cafe.

I went to the cafe to wait for LB. My mum was in there. I sat at a table and noticed that KP and AP (two sisters with whom I went to school) were also in the cafe, sitting in window seats, while I was seated at a table in the centre. I saw a dog which had fur resembling human faces - the dog was a light colour and the human faces were made out of darker fur. I was showing the dog to my mum, pointing at it. It was with it's owner, halfway between were we were sitting and where KP and AP were sitting. KP and AP starting laughing and making jokes about me. I am not sure in what context, but I felt paranoid and uncomfortable. The dog bounded over to me and I noticed that it was a Staffordshire Bull Terrier (my favourite breed) crossed with a Spaniel (one of my least favourite breeds). I was stroking it and found it to be a friendly dog. I then looked at KP and AP to see what they were doing. AP was wearing a green knitted cardigan/dress item, and it started unravelling and fell off. She had clothes on underneath, but she was shocked and upset as the green woollen garment was a designer label and special to her. I felt vindicated and pleased that the joke was no longer on me. 

I was then with PS or someone who I have recalled as being PS (I cannot remember seeing this dream character). We were watching a musical performance by actress Lenora Crichlow, although it seemed to be a stage rehearsal. The room was brightly lit and there were several other people watching. Suddenly, we were watching Lenora on a video screen instead of live - it was a music video for the song she was singing. She was a pregnant mermaid swimming under the sea and stroking rocks. I commented to PS that this was a strange music video and wasn't very sexy because she was pretending to be pregnant - she was also topless. I also remarked that this video must be part of the 'Free the Nipple Campaign'.

I was then walking from my nan's house up towards Sunway Park in Sheringham, with someone (a young male, I am not sure who, but I feel as though I know or knew him well at some point in my life). It was daylight, but the light was fading. We passed the turning where my nan's aunt lives (about 50 yards from my nan's house) and saw a small square, beige building on the left (where my nan's aunt's house would normally be). This small square building was the venue for a house party. I had a very strong sense of deja-vu - as if I had seen this exact same scene before. It left me wondering when I had seen a party at this house. I assumed that the house party was being hosted by MS, a boy from my school. I could see loads of people through the windows and in the garden. Many people - including SW2 and other people I went to school with - were standing outside the square house, on the pavement, drinking cans of beer. A very short distance along the road, there were more crowds of people, celebrating. It looked like a street party. There was some interaction between myself, the young male whom I was with and some other people we met. Some scaffolding was in the pavement, and we leaned against it. Some people (unrecalled) were doing something which was making me angry and I was telling them to stop and leave me alone, but they would not. They were making threats which I was not taking seriously, but which was worsening my mood. They were doing the same to my companions. Suddenly, two full-uniform police officers (male) approached from behind them and I started laughing. One of my 'enemies' said something vicious to me and I pointed out the police officers, who arrested them. 

This is all I can recall about this dream.


Dream 350

'Stabbing Out Eyes'
Dream date: 9 January 2015
I do not remember much about this dream.

I was in a house where I lived (not sure where) and I was being burgled. It was as if I knew this was going to happen before it actually did. I was running around the house and locking doors, which were wooden and old-fashioned, with big bolts. I think the burglary took place, but I did not see the burglars.

I went downstairs and found that I was in my old childhood home in Pine Grove, Sheringham. The lights were dim and the  electric fire was on full. My mum, stepdad and another young (unknown) male were in the lounge also. I went up to the young man and plunged two big knives into his eyes, blinding him. He was in shock and pain, but did not seem to blame me for this violent act.

The blinded male and I went out and were standing on the step of a house, knocking on the front door. When the door was opened (I am not sure who by), the blinded male and I robbed the inhabitant of the house, getting a huge stack of money.

This is all I remember about this dream. 

Dream 349

'Faxing Colin Farrell/Russell Crowe'
Dream date: 8 January 2015
I was in a maze-like college which was made up of many small areas or units. It looked very metallic and industrial and there were posters and homemade artwork every where. It reminded me of Afflecks Palace in Manchester - an alternative indoor market I used to visit regularly when I lived in the area. I was in a classroom with some other people - students. We were doing some work, as instructed by an (unseen) teacher. I had lots of notebooks and files full of paper. We were making cakes on the paper, piping the uncooked batter from a piping-bag. The class ended, and I closed the file, shutting the raw cake in the pages. I got up to leave the classroom, and discovered that I had so many files, books etc, that I could not carry them at once. I went to find a locker to store them in. I then walked through the college, past the various units and into the entrance area. I was going to work (at this stage, I did not know where I worked or what my job was in the dream).

Sitting in the entrance area was Colin Farrell who was sitting waiting for me. I went over to him and he asked me out on a date. I said I had to go to work, and he said he would fax me. I asked him why he wouldn't just phone me, but he said: 'You always talk about dreams on the phone'. I left.

I went to the Two Lifeboats Hotel in Sheringham (where my mum used to be the manager and I used to work when I was a teenager). The pub looked normal in the 'Duncan Bar', except it was much longer - double the normal length of this room. I realised I had a fa from Colin - it was handwritten in coloured pencil on a small scrap of yellowing paper. It was a few lines long and included his mobile number. I told my mum that I would start work soon, but first I had to write a return fax to Colin. I had several pieces of paper, but every time I tried to write the fax I made a mistake and had to scribble it out. Sometimes, I would write a perfect fax, but then realise that I had written it in black ink on a piece of black paper so it could not be read. It was as though I had forgotten how to write.

A girl whom used to work for my mum, JHB, kept coming out of the kitchen to check if I was ready to start work. She was getting annoyed by how long I was taking to write my fax. Then a fat woman, pushing a twin-pram came into the bar. She rammed the pram into me, making me scream in pain. My mum pushed the pram from her and started playing with the babies (who were both mixed race, one boy, one girl), while the mother gave me a special massage to heal my back (which was the area I was hit in). She did this by standing behind me and putting her arms behind me and then pulling me back on top of her as she sat down on the seat. I noticed there were lots of customers in the pub.

I then went into the office, which is where the fax machine was. I was planning to send my fax to Colin. The office was dark and was a composite of the actual office as I remember it and the side of the bar where the coffee machine was. Several people entered the office - including RBR, a girl I went to school with. She said: 'You've got charisma, we need you to work the pass' (usually the job of a head chef, shouting out orders, organising the sections of the kitchen and checking the food leaving for the diners is up to standard). I said: 'Yes, I'm just faxing Russell Crowe'. Somehow, Colin Farrell had now become Russell Crowe in my mind. My mum was praising me. 

* I wonder if Colin Farrell became Russell Crowe because of the minor similarities in 'Farrell' and 'Russell' (repetition of letters and 'ell' ending of the names)? I don't find either of them particularly attractive, although Farrell is much more handsome than Crowe...


Friday, 9 January 2015

Dream 348

'Rap Battles and Affairs with Jay-Z'
Dream date: 6 January 2015
I had a really bad day after having this dream, which was a shame because this was one of my favourite dreams in a long time and I felt really positive when I woke up from it. This dream was very long, detailed and vivid.

I was in a small, dilapidated shack in Sheringham, my home town. This shack was really cosy with lots of soft furnishings and was located right by the sea. It seemed to only be a single storey building, with an overgrown leafy garden. I lived in this shack with a male dream character who was most definitely a composite of former and recent boyfriends - SL, PS and DL. At times, this male would look just like one of the boyfriends (he started off looking like SL, but having the personality and lifestyle details associated with PS - and later was PS and then DL at various points in the dream). I will refer to him as 'the boyfriend' and note his specific appearance, if it is possible to identify which of the boyfriends he looked most like. At the start of the dream, the boyfriend looked like SL. He was arranging to buy/sell come cannabis (therefore, an action associated with PS). I was in agreement with his plans. We were just hanging out in the shack and the boyfriend was waiting for the right time to leave. It seemed like it might be daytime at this point. The boyfriend eventually got ready to go out and buy the stash of cannabis (which was going to be a large quantity). I agreed to wait in the shack for him to return. He left. I walked through the a bedroom, and saw Jay-Z, dressed in a T-shirt and shorts, lounging on the bed. I was shocked to see him there, as I had not realised he was in the shack, and he was a celebrity! I went over to talk to him and he started trying to make sexual advances towards me. I was flattered, but confused as to why this was happening - it felt as odd as if Jay-Z was actually in Sheringham, showing interest in someone like me! 

I then saw the outside of the shack from a different perspective - as if the scene cut away to show what was happening elsewhere. Beyonce was sitting outside the shack (on the street, from which you could see the garden and doorway), in a blue car. It was night. Beyonce was suspicious that Jay-Z was cheating on her and had come to catch him out. She got out of the car and took her mobile phone (which was a very old, cheap model) and dialled a number, From her perspective, walking towards the shack, I heard a phone ring from inside - this was obviously Jay-Z's mobile phone ringing. Beyonce started to walk down the garden path - I was still seeing the dream from her perspective. I then suddenly - with no reality check, just from the sheer desire not to get caught with Jay-Z (although he was the person at fault and I hadn't done anything sexual with him) became lucid. Still from Beyonce's perspective, I thought (with my lucid brain) that I better change what was happening so Beyonce would not catch Jay-Z trying to seduce me. The perspective of the dream switched back to me and Jay-Z in the bedroom. I told Jay-Z that Beyonce was outside the shack, about to walk through the open front door. He didn't ask me how I knew, he just accepted this as truth. He said he would be busy over the next day or so, but would be staying in Sheringham. He begged to see me again. I agreed I would meet him again, but urged him to get up off the bed and walk through to the door. I advised him to tell Beyonce that he had simply visited the shack to buy some cannabis from the boyfriend. Jay-Z thanked me for trying to save his marriage. While I was still lucid, I managed to notice that he looked younger and better looking than he usually does in real life. I then lost lucidity, but the dream just continued as normal.

Some random girls were in the lounge of the shack, seated on the sofa. The boyfriend (looking like SL) had returned and he asked me to leave the room because his friend, [a female friend of SL whose actual name I cannot remember] was there and he wanted to hang out with her. I was annoyed, because there were other people present in the room and they were allowed to stay. One female dream character was sat in the middle part of the sofa. She had brown bobbed hair and a round face. I poked her in the nose and squashed her nose flat to her face. I wondered if she would seek revenge or be angry about this, but she just laughed. All of the females, except the boyfriend's female friend, left the room with me and we went into another room together. They wanted to be my friends. We were laughing and joking.

I then found myself in the kitchen in PS's home in London, with PS and his teenage sister, JG. PS was baking. JG was telling me a story and dancing in the kitchen. I asked 'the boyfriend' character (PS) if I could see him 'tomorrow' but he said he had theatre tickets and would have to see me the day after. 

I was then taking part in a freestyle rap battle (PS and DL both make hip hop music and SL is in a band, so all these 'boyfriends' are involved in making music). I was battling against a white male dream character. I was freestyling really well (it is something I can actually do in real-life, but I was better at it in the dream). I recall some of my bars, but only really the rhyming words:

'You're bananas', drama, Obama, karma, moussaka, llama 
'Your words need rephrasing', replacing, amazing

I ended up winning the battle. The crowd watching were really excited and the boyfriend (PS/DL) was proud of me. I noticed that my mum and nan and several older women were present in the venue, which seemed to be a posh hotel with a lot of flowery decor. I walked over to a canteen counter where hot drinks were being served. I went to pour a cup of coffee from a coffee machine, and accidentally added some soup to my cup. I felt annoyed that my coffee was polluted with soup, but started thinking about my next rap battle which was soon to start. An elderly woman approached me. She told me that she had been sitting with my family members and was a real fan of my freestyle rapping. She said a lot of elderly people were getting into hip hop and rap battles. She seemed to know what she was talking about and clued up on hip hop culture. 

I was then with the boyfriend (PS) in my bedroom in Sheringham. We were sitting on my bed. He said that he was dating 'Debbie' and before I could even say anything, he noticed the shock on my face (PS is currently dating someone in real-life, but I do not know exactly who it is because we only communicate by text in real-life and he doesn't want to tell me). He said: 'No, not that Debbie!' meaning a girl within his circle of friends in London. He then said that he had been  dating AWB, but she was annoying. A short while after this, he said he was still dating AWB - this all confused and frustrated me, making me feel second-rate and jealous. There was some sexual tension.

I was then on a plane with the boyfriend (DL). The pilot walked down the aisle. He looked like the TV character, Nathan Barley - or rather the actor who plays him, Nicholas Burns (both DL and I really like Nathan Barley in real-life). He wasn't dressed as a pilot, but was wearing casual clothing. The boyfriend was sitting in the window seat and I was in the aisle seat. The pilot seemed to be a friend of ours. He stopped in the aisle by our seats (we were actually in the air at this point, but nearly ready to land, so I was worried how the plan would be landed without the pilot in the cockpit controlling it!). He had a carrier bag which was ripped open. Inside it was about an ounce of cannabis. The pilot offered to sell it to the boyfriend and I for a very cheap price. We took the cannabis from him and inspected it. It wasn't good quality at all - it was leafy, dried up and had no aroma (what I would call 'fraff'), the boyfriend and I said we didn't want to buy it, as we had better cannabis back at the shack (in Sheringham). A young female dream character sitting opposite me across the aisle jumped up from her seat. She was wearing a tight white T-shirt and sunglasses. She said: 'I'll buy it and sell it to become rich and famous!'  and I were laughing at her stupidity and ignorance. I said to the boyfriend: 'She'll only make about £20 profit from selling that!' 


Dream 347

'Making Air Crafts'
Dream date: 5 January 2015
At various points in this dream, I had the sensation of being seated on a large spinning tray-like object alongside other (unseen) dream characters. It was in an outside environment during the day, but I could not see my location because everything was a blur due to the spinning motion. I was thinking of teapots and cutting meat when these experiences occurred.

I was in some kind of factory which manufactured air crafts. I was with two male friends - a Chinese male, who closely resembled my ex-boyfriend MT (yes, I had two Chinese exes, if you are wondering why the pseudonym has changed from that cited in previous dreams) who is now actually working for an airline in Burma; and a black male who seemed to be very similar to my friend, JL, an American medical student. We were all working together in this factory which was very large and made of shiny metal, with benches along the walls. 

I then saw a scene which I was not participating in. I could see a female dream character riding a horse, being led by a middle-aged male, who was the supervisor from the air craft factory. There was no saddle or reins on the horse, only loose ropes which went around the horse and were being held by the female rider. I wasn't sure whether this female dream character was meant to be me (seen in the third person) or whether I was just observing someone else. When I woke up from this dream, I thought the female horse rider might have been me. The female wanted to get off the horse, but she was too scared. The male supervisor leading the horse told her to jump off. He made the horse gallop towards a road, on the other side of which was a wall. The female jumped off the horse mid-gallop. The horse then leapt into the air and landed nose-first on the concrete. I felt very shocked. I noticed other bystanders who also appeared very shocked. We then saw this happen again, in slow motion. The horse was dissected in two parts along the length - like a Damien Hirst installation. You could see it's bones and external organs. When it landed on it's nose, the nose smashed off - it looked flaky and golden brown - like sponge cake. 

I was then back in the factory. The supervisor walked with me, MT and JL to a small courtyard where there was a running stream and a fountain. We were looking into the fountain. I was telling the MT character that he reminded me of the actual MT (my ex) and calling him 'Minny' which is a variation of MT's actual name. I then became confused as to whether the MT dream character 'Minny' was actually my ex-boyfriend, MT. I couldn't tell if they were doppelgängers or the same person. The supervisor started telling us that you could not work at the factory if you had poor eyesight. I recounted a (real-life, actual) story about the real MT having been unable to train as a pilot in the UK and getting laser eye surgery which allowed him to train in Burma. Minny then said to me: 'Don't tell the supervisor about the laser eye surgery!' which made me even more confused as to whether Minny was actually MT. We walked back into the main bit of the factory. Leaning against one of the benches was a tall, lanky male dream character. He had two ginger female dream characters with him, one under each arm, hugging him. Suddenly a massive crowd of dream characters (other workers) swarmed over and started pushing against Minny and JT, crushing them against the bench. The tall, lanky male dream character and ginger females seemed unfazed by this, even though they were in the crush.


Monday, 5 January 2015

Dream 346

'Diorama Competition'
I was with another (unrecalled) person and we were taking part in a diorama competition. We had to make a three-dimensional woodland scene, incorporating a full-size model of a man. The task seemed far too big and I had concerns about moving the diorama once it was completed. My mum was urging me and my friend to make the best diorama and win the competition.

There was a journey involved. It was Autumn and very dark.

I had to buy something - meat? This came in boxes, but I bought the wrong item and had to return to the shop and purchase the correct one, wasting time. 

The diorama was too small and did not have the human figure. It was a woodland scene which seemed to only include trees and grass. It was boring and lacking in any detail at all. It was made out of cardboard and was flimsy and wonky. We had only used shades of brown and green and made a small signpost at the front with some writing on it. We were looking at the diorama in the workshop/art studio in which we had made it and knew it was a failure.