'Trying to Win Back the Ex'
Dream date: 26 March 2016
This is Day 27 of my Dream Incubation Experiment. You can read the details and methodology of my latest Dream Incubation Experiment by clicking HERE.
Scene 1: An Interior Scene (Location Unknown) - Time Unknown
This is Day 27 of my Dream Incubation Experiment. You can read the details and methodology of my latest Dream Incubation Experiment by clicking HERE.
Scene 1: An Interior Scene (Location Unknown) - Time Unknown
I am not sure whether this dream took place all in one place, or in multiple locations, as it was not clear in the dream. The one scene I do remember was an interior of a house. It was a normal house, which wasn't exactly modern, but may have just had some retro features, as it reminded me a little of a 1970's style interior - the furniture, smoked glass and light wood, and the fact everything was in brown, orange and green colours. It was quite an attractive house.
In the first scene I was with an unrecalled dream character and my Mum was making us food to eat - it seemed to be ice cream sundaes, as the food was presented in tall, cut glass ice cream dishes. The ice cream was in fact an image of a galaxy in the sky - stars and other cosmic bodies. We were eating the ice cream galaxies with long spoons. I am not sure what they tasted like - maybe just ice cream!
There was a reference to education and textbooks. I am not sure what it was. This took place in the same location in which we were eating the ice cream.
I then heard/discovered from someone that my ex, PS and his male friend, LRB (see Dream Information, below) had been 'showing flowers' to a group of girls. I felt jealous and wanted to see PS myself.
The interior scene seemed to also be where PS lived - his family (not his family in real-life, just dream characters - all female and white, despite the fact PS, his elder half-brother (different father) and one of his younger sisters are all mixed-race). They were sitting at a breakfast bar in the living-room/kitchen area of the house.
PS and I went off into a different room. We laid down on the ground and it appeared that we were naked. There was a lot of heat and sweat, and our bodies were intertwining in an erotic way, although there was no sexual acts that I could identify. The position we were laying in could be described as 'a 69'.
PS then wanted me to give him a blowjob (oral sex). His 'penis' was the size of my leg - or bigger - really long and wide. I could not put my mouth around it, so I was reduced to just licking it up and down the shaft, which in itself was hard work, as I was still laying on the ground, and the penis was at least 1 meter long. Suddenly, lots of black, waxy slime came dripping down PS' penis. PS was (breathless, in sexual pleasure), saying: 'Lick it! Lick it!' meaning that he wanted me to lick up the black slime. It had a bitter taste and I didn't like it, but wanted to pleasure PS. I thought: 'If I give him the best blowjob he has ever had, he will get back together with me', so I continued to do so, putting in lots of effort. I am not sure what PS was doing to me at this time, I had no sexual pleasure or arousal from the situation whatsoever. I was shocked and disgusted by the size of his penis and the black slime dripping down it, which became huge globules which collected on the shaft if I did not lick them away in time.
I was then standing, with a huge piece of paper (about A2) and a pencil. I wanted to write a note to PS to try and win him back. I used the pencil to write a long letter to him, the essence of which was stating I would be a better girlfriend than I had been and that I would not get jealous of the girls he was 'showing flowers' to (with LRB). My writing resembled that of a child - very messy and uneven - but I am not sure if I was writing in real words or if my writing was typical of the kind of distorted 'dream speech' in which real words are supplemented for weird dream ones. I knew that I could read and understand what I wrote, because I 'checked' the letter after I finished and then drew a flower on it. I took this letter through to find PS' 'family' were still sitting around the breakfast bar in the house - having just finished a meal. I showed them all the letter I had written to PS and said: 'I'll never be jealous again'. No-one wanted to see me get back with PS, but his 'sister' (in the dream) said: 'He'll end up falling for that'.
I cannot recall what else happened in this dream. I woke up.
In the first scene I was with an unrecalled dream character and my Mum was making us food to eat - it seemed to be ice cream sundaes, as the food was presented in tall, cut glass ice cream dishes. The ice cream was in fact an image of a galaxy in the sky - stars and other cosmic bodies. We were eating the ice cream galaxies with long spoons. I am not sure what they tasted like - maybe just ice cream!
There was a reference to education and textbooks. I am not sure what it was. This took place in the same location in which we were eating the ice cream.
I then heard/discovered from someone that my ex, PS and his male friend, LRB (see Dream Information, below) had been 'showing flowers' to a group of girls. I felt jealous and wanted to see PS myself.
The interior scene seemed to also be where PS lived - his family (not his family in real-life, just dream characters - all female and white, despite the fact PS, his elder half-brother (different father) and one of his younger sisters are all mixed-race). They were sitting at a breakfast bar in the living-room/kitchen area of the house.
PS and I went off into a different room. We laid down on the ground and it appeared that we were naked. There was a lot of heat and sweat, and our bodies were intertwining in an erotic way, although there was no sexual acts that I could identify. The position we were laying in could be described as 'a 69'.
PS then wanted me to give him a blowjob (oral sex). His 'penis' was the size of my leg - or bigger - really long and wide. I could not put my mouth around it, so I was reduced to just licking it up and down the shaft, which in itself was hard work, as I was still laying on the ground, and the penis was at least 1 meter long. Suddenly, lots of black, waxy slime came dripping down PS' penis. PS was (breathless, in sexual pleasure), saying: 'Lick it! Lick it!' meaning that he wanted me to lick up the black slime. It had a bitter taste and I didn't like it, but wanted to pleasure PS. I thought: 'If I give him the best blowjob he has ever had, he will get back together with me', so I continued to do so, putting in lots of effort. I am not sure what PS was doing to me at this time, I had no sexual pleasure or arousal from the situation whatsoever. I was shocked and disgusted by the size of his penis and the black slime dripping down it, which became huge globules which collected on the shaft if I did not lick them away in time.
I was then standing, with a huge piece of paper (about A2) and a pencil. I wanted to write a note to PS to try and win him back. I used the pencil to write a long letter to him, the essence of which was stating I would be a better girlfriend than I had been and that I would not get jealous of the girls he was 'showing flowers' to (with LRB). My writing resembled that of a child - very messy and uneven - but I am not sure if I was writing in real words or if my writing was typical of the kind of distorted 'dream speech' in which real words are supplemented for weird dream ones. I knew that I could read and understand what I wrote, because I 'checked' the letter after I finished and then drew a flower on it. I took this letter through to find PS' 'family' were still sitting around the breakfast bar in the house - having just finished a meal. I showed them all the letter I had written to PS and said: 'I'll never be jealous again'. No-one wanted to see me get back with PS, but his 'sister' (in the dream) said: 'He'll end up falling for that'.
I cannot recall what else happened in this dream. I woke up.
TIME: 22:00 - 09:30 hours (I woke up from this dream)
LUCIDITY: NO
SPECIAL NOTES: NONE OF NOTE
Dream Information:
Dream Information:
- PS and I ended our romantic relationship a number of years ago, but retained communication and contact, which is never advisable if there are still unresolved issues or emotions. I made the decision to just leave him to follow his education, career and relationships without me being in the background. Who knows what will happen, as other than just one of my exes who I don't speak to - I am in contact with all of my exes (even SL, who I dated at the age of 18 years)
- I am not even sure if PS and LRB (another hip hop artist) are still in regular contact, but their friendship did impact on our relationship when we were together as PS would spend the entire night, several times a week at LRB'S flat, leaving me alone in PS' family home, where I lived with him in London. It used to annoy me that PS would go round to LRB's house at, say 22:00 hours and not return to 05:00 hours, meaning if I had manage to get to sleep, with my insomnia, he would disturb me when he came in. I was also suffering from mental health problems (to the extent of feeling suicidal almost daily) at this time, and him going out several times a week to just sit around LRB's flat with LRB's female friends (who would go round to smoke cannabis) made me feel abandoned and lonely, and reflected in my anxiety responses and frequency of panic attacks. I often wondered why he needed to go out to LRB's to do the exact same things he would be doing at home anyway. I was always told I could go with PS, but it just seemed like LRB would rather have PS there by himself, so I'd save my dignity and say I had writing to do instead. That is partially how this Blog came into existence! LRB is mutual friends with a lot of my Facebook friends, and - like PS admitted to me subsequently - he is argumentative and unable to see things from other people's viewpoints, meaning he is often coming into conflict with other people and becoming hostile in the way he expresses himself. I have to add here: I do not hold any residual blame in relation to PS and what I have described here. It was my responsibility to look after my own mental and emotional health, and if I felt trapped, it was because I was living a reckless and damaging lifestyle in London, when I should have taken control earlier and moved back to Norfolk. PS made me very happy and was a brilliant boyfriend, who - despite never being able to express my affections well - I will always love very much. He will never know how deep my feelings for him were, because I never ever said 'I love you' to him during the course of our 4 year relationship, as that isn't the type of person I am. I wish I had been a softer person, rather than constantly seeing myself as a warrior having to wage battle against something which was going wrong in life. If you focus too much on the negatives, negativity slowly becomes part of your character, your behaviour and the way you interact with others. The problems in our relationship never originated from PS himself, just all the chaos and disorder which surrounded us, and dragged us in. My biggest regret is not making it clear what an outstanding man I think he is
Dreamsigns:
- The ice cream was space - galaxies and cosmic bodies
- PS's family were different to real-life
- The size, dimensions and actions of PS' penis
Recurrent Dream Themes:
- Galaxies and stars in the night sky - see Dream 594 - 'Going to America!'
- Eduction and schooling - see Dream 594 - 'Going to America!'
Potential Day/Dream Residue:
- My previous dream, Dream 594 - 'Going to America!' may have influenced the content of this dream - thinking about writing down the details of my previous dream may have made it become 'day residue'
Waking Thoughts & Emotions:
This dream was not related to my Dream Incubation Experiment.
I did not really like this dream - I am not prudish and am very open about my sexuality and sex life. I would not be ashamed to perform a sexual act on a current or previous sexual partner, let alone in a dream where it is part of a subconscious imagining - and perhaps based on a memory of doing the same act in real-life. However, the fact I was trying so desperately to get back together with my ex, and giving him oral sex (which felt disgusting in the dream) seemed like my best option to convince him - as well as writing apology letters promising to behave differently - all felt wrong. I am a strong independent woman and over the years I have come to accept that sometimes relationships or friendships end and to save your dignity or emotional well being you have to accept situations you have no control over and move on. In this dream I felt weakened and desperate, like I had to 'prove myself' which is not something I would be willing to do in my real-life. I just didn't feel like 'me in this dream.
The dream also made me think about a previous relationship on a deeper level than I perhaps wanted to. Although I have come to terms with my previous relationships, and moved on, thinking specifically about my relationship with PS is the one which hurts the most, because this relationship took place when I was very unwell from bipolar disorder, suicidal thoughts, panic attacks and anxiety, which all but obliterated my ability to live a normal day-to-day existence without something causing drama or chaos. My greatest fear was being sectioned (held under a Mental Health Act order, so I could be restrained from leaving a hospital), and so I felt like I was constantly 'fighting' treatment and medical attention rather than getting the right help. I tried various medications, but the side effects meant I never lasted the course with any of them. I smoked cannabis constantly, and drank alcohol regularly, but didn't even think to reduce either for my own well-being, because they were a form of self-medication on one hand, and on the other - well, our entire social circle did the same and those of us who weren't in employment (PS ran his own business from home and I was a student) just did these things because we lived on a London council estate and it killed the time and gave us something to do.
PS was 6 years younger than me as well - although had been encouraged to adopt the role of 'man of the house' from his childhood years, so was very mature and responsible. However, I managed to discount the pressures and influences on him from his environment and peers, and almost 'judge' him for sometimes acting like a 'roadman' or average 20-something young man in an urban council estate and at those times, I wouldn't see the bigger picture and value the aspects of him which transcended the not-so-desirable aspects of our relationship.
This dream made me think back to a past life, which I do not want to forget, but want to categorise as a valuable past experience, which no longer defines who I am. I think the dream made me re-evaluate the aspects of myself which contributed to the breakdown of our relationship, and this coupled with the dream forcing me to try to 'win' PS back with sexual acts made me feel like I was prostituting myself over issues which should remain in the past. It's almost like my dream was taunting me, saying: 'You still have feelings about these things...' and wanted me to either feel guilt about my own actions, or try to find guilt in PS's actions. I would rather have not had this particular dream.
* I may have forgotten some aspects of this dream. If I recall anything else later, I will record it below.
I did not really like this dream - I am not prudish and am very open about my sexuality and sex life. I would not be ashamed to perform a sexual act on a current or previous sexual partner, let alone in a dream where it is part of a subconscious imagining - and perhaps based on a memory of doing the same act in real-life. However, the fact I was trying so desperately to get back together with my ex, and giving him oral sex (which felt disgusting in the dream) seemed like my best option to convince him - as well as writing apology letters promising to behave differently - all felt wrong. I am a strong independent woman and over the years I have come to accept that sometimes relationships or friendships end and to save your dignity or emotional well being you have to accept situations you have no control over and move on. In this dream I felt weakened and desperate, like I had to 'prove myself' which is not something I would be willing to do in my real-life. I just didn't feel like 'me in this dream.
The dream also made me think about a previous relationship on a deeper level than I perhaps wanted to. Although I have come to terms with my previous relationships, and moved on, thinking specifically about my relationship with PS is the one which hurts the most, because this relationship took place when I was very unwell from bipolar disorder, suicidal thoughts, panic attacks and anxiety, which all but obliterated my ability to live a normal day-to-day existence without something causing drama or chaos. My greatest fear was being sectioned (held under a Mental Health Act order, so I could be restrained from leaving a hospital), and so I felt like I was constantly 'fighting' treatment and medical attention rather than getting the right help. I tried various medications, but the side effects meant I never lasted the course with any of them. I smoked cannabis constantly, and drank alcohol regularly, but didn't even think to reduce either for my own well-being, because they were a form of self-medication on one hand, and on the other - well, our entire social circle did the same and those of us who weren't in employment (PS ran his own business from home and I was a student) just did these things because we lived on a London council estate and it killed the time and gave us something to do.
PS was 6 years younger than me as well - although had been encouraged to adopt the role of 'man of the house' from his childhood years, so was very mature and responsible. However, I managed to discount the pressures and influences on him from his environment and peers, and almost 'judge' him for sometimes acting like a 'roadman' or average 20-something young man in an urban council estate and at those times, I wouldn't see the bigger picture and value the aspects of him which transcended the not-so-desirable aspects of our relationship.
This dream made me think back to a past life, which I do not want to forget, but want to categorise as a valuable past experience, which no longer defines who I am. I think the dream made me re-evaluate the aspects of myself which contributed to the breakdown of our relationship, and this coupled with the dream forcing me to try to 'win' PS back with sexual acts made me feel like I was prostituting myself over issues which should remain in the past. It's almost like my dream was taunting me, saying: 'You still have feelings about these things...' and wanted me to either feel guilt about my own actions, or try to find guilt in PS's actions. I would rather have not had this particular dream.
* I may have forgotten some aspects of this dream. If I recall anything else later, I will record it below.
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